A letter I wrote To Myself 5 years Ago

5 Years Ago

I have great qualities. I care so much about people and if it were up to me, everyone would get what they want in life, myself included. However, that is not realistic. Especially not in my case. I tend to forget about my wishes trying to make sure that other people around me have what they need. It’s not easy. And at times, it transgresses the borders of selflessness and enters the territory of neglect. I don’t always care if I am happy – I always figure things out. As long as others are okay, I somehow convince myself that that’s what’s best. Most of the time, that’s true but sometimes, I lay in my bed, cry, and think that I could have fought a little harder for what I wanted.

This is me. It has jagged lines and that’s intentional. I’m not really sure how to begin to explain what I feel; I get stuck. I get lost and discouraged at times because I have pure intentions but I don’t always act on them. I have an intense desire to leave all things better than I found them. That sometimes puts me in contradicting and hypocritical scenarios. I feel guilty and like a monster for my behavior. I want to be a good person, I really do. But I make mistakes…so many of them. I look back far too often. I take steps forward and bring my past with me. Help.

Today

When I read this, I just smirked. I haven’t changed one bit. I love helping people. It’s in my blood and I have just come to accept it. I have just learned to be smarter about it. Be more selective so I don’t end up with the short end of the stick every time. I advise everyone to do the same. Look out for your best interest, serve others, and be pragmatic.

Oh and if you’re still thinking, I still need help. Always. 🙂

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